The blind spot of spiritual bypass

The spiritual path has been so richly rewarding for me. It has saved me from my own over-thinking, it has led to an effortlessly beautiful marriage, and it has allowed glimpses into a deeper self that is always whole, unbroken, and okay. 

And yet, despite 20 years of dedicated spiritual seeking, and some undeniably transcendent moments, I noticed that certain patterns – the ones that I’m least proud of – showed up over and over again. And after some really raw moments in the last few years, it started to dawn on me that maybe my spiritual path – or at least the way I was approaching the path – wasn’t sufficient. 

It seems like the crux of the matter is blind spots. Blind spots – or what is invisible to us – give rise to troublesome patterns that we all have that pop up in times of stress or frustration or fear. 

In the spiritual world in which I traveled, my mentors and teachers advised that our connection to our deeper self could be felt most when we are in a peaceful feeling and a quiet mind. This translated into the encouragement to look away from feelings that were not peaceful, and to trust our thinking much less when it is unsettled or upset.

For many years this advice improved the quality of my life and my experience of others. And yet…

…this did little to change the thoughts and patterns that would habitually arise when I felt triggered by thoughts below my conscious awareness.

I would use my spiritual understanding to clean up any messes I’d made, and to understand why I made the mess, but there didn’t seem to be a way to get greater access to those unconscious thoughts that arose without warning – my blind spots.

Spiritual bypass is the “tendency to use spiritual ideas and practices to sidestep or avoid facing unresolved emotional issues, psychological wounds, and unfinished developmental tasks” (from Wikipedia).

There came a point when I was working closely with my spiritual mentors when lots of bypass alarm bells started to go off. Our blind spots were bumping into each other, and something felt really off. It felt like there wasn’t much space for our humanity in our commitment to our spirituality. It felt like our inevitably messy humanity was a problem.

So, I realized it was time for me to leave the spiritual community I had been a part of for almost 20 years. And I got deeply curious about how my humanity and my spirituality could be less at odds.

I came across this quote by Richard Rohr which felt like an answer to the question in my heart, and a direction to head in next:

“All great spirituality is about what we do with our pain. If we do not transform our pain, we will transmit it to those around us.”

In the wake of my departure from my spiritual community, I rediscovered Ken Wilber, who movingly describes the ways that we can develop and access the different aspects of our selves. He calls it “Integral Theory”, and while his writing is often too heady for me, I love this word “integral,” meaning “essential, or necessary for completeness.”  Oooooh. That sounds really good to me. And I like even more the shorthand he uses for pointing to the different aspects of consciousness that we can develop or awaken. 

Wake Up – Grow Up – Clean Up – Show Up. 

There are volumes and volumes written about this, but here’s my quick and dirty summary:

“Waking Up” is all about the spiritual realm, integrating spiritual insights into daily life, living from a sense of purpose and connection to a higher source.

“Growing Up” is about our psychological and moral development. This is all about gaining a deeper understanding of one’s own mind and behavior. 

“Cleaning Up” is about understanding and healing the unavoidable emotional blind spots and past traumas that we all experience, and it requires welcoming all aspects of the self, including the habitually unwelcome emotions that lead to our most persistent (and unhelpful) patterns.  

And finally, “Showing Up” is about being and expressing ourselves authentically in the world, and asking ourselves how we can be of service to the world.

This framework resonated with me in a deep way, and helped me to realize that without “cleaning up” I will keep bringing the same invisible patterns to everything in my life – my spirituality, my marriage, my parenting, my relationship to money, my always trying to get it right… I will keep being presented with opportunities to resolve the unresolved emotions that live in my body. This, I saw, is part of the spiritual journey to wholeness. 

Serendipitously, I found just what I needed to help me begin to “clean up.” 

I stumbled across The Art of Accomplishment podcast with a guy named Joe Hudson who was articulating this journey of “cleaning up” in the most inviting way. I get to feel all the peaceful stuff AND the yucky stuff too? And the yucky stuff is incredibly valuable as a guide to what’s holding me back? Heck yeah! The more I listened to what he was saying, the more it felt like my whole body was saying YES! YES! YES!  

Joe’s approach to “cleaning up” has been invaluable in finally unwinding the knots of lifelong patterns. It’s been painful at times, and I’ve had to look at places in myself that I’ve always looked away from. I’ve embraced the invitation to welcome it all – the bad behavior, and the defenses I’ve used my whole life (ummm, hello arrogance!) to avoid feeling the scary stuff (hi there helplessness, hello unworthiness). 

The embodied approach I’ve learned over the last few years, integrating head, heart, and gut, has given me a roadmap to make the unconscious conscious. To make the previously invisible glaringly visible. And to transform those things that are in the way of accessing what we’re capable of in our lives. In the spirit of the Richard Rohr quote above, I’ve found a way to transform our pain into greater freedom and deeper connection – to ourselves, and to others. 

I see now how the messy humanity in each of us is actually the unique way we can access a deeper understanding of spiritual truths. It is where our humanity and spirituality converge that our greatest learnings await.

If you are ready to move beyond the familiar rut of spiritual bypass, and to learn how welcoming all of our human experience offers transformation and deep joy, I’m here for you.