What is yutori and why does it feel so good?

It’s been fun to look back on 2024 and see how much has really changed for me on the inside this past year. Here are the themes of my year:

Unlearning

Learning has been one of the throughlines of my life. I love learning enough to have gutted out a Ph.D., and to have dragged myself across the hot coals of the yearslong effort to found a school (a very innovative one, that reflects how we actually learn in the real world). Learning, to me, is what life is all about. It’s the basis for growth and I’m hooked on the feeling that pulses through me when I form a new mental model, a new understanding of the way something actually works. I love that feeling of aliveness. 

So this year was uniquely squirmy for me as I dove deep into the process of unlearning.  

Despite being an excellent coach who has helped many people with the approach I used for almost 10 years, I wanted to explore what else might really move the needle on helping people move past persistent patterns that get in their way. So this past year I have been unlearning how to be the coach I once was. And in the process I am finding a deeper faith in the wisdom that lies within each of us, and how we access it. 

Despite having a marriage and a family that I treasure, I have been unlearning how to love in ways that no longer feel good or right. I have been unlearning how to be a rescuer. I have been unlearning how to operate from fear. I have been unlearning what I thought was true about conflict. And in the process I am finding a deeper faith in the gifts of self-love. 

There’s a fancy neuropsychological term for this powerful unlearning. It’s called “memory reconsolidation” and you can google it (Tori Olds is great at explaining it.)  But it’s not the details that matter most to me. It’s the hope that comes from knowing no matter how long I’ve had a pattern in my life, it can shift and change if and when I’m ready.

Gratitude

I’ve always been big on gratitude. I love Thanksgiving. No religious trappings. No consumer gift frenzy. Just thanks for the blessings in our life. What a cool reason to celebrate. 

What shifted for me this year was finding gratitude for the darkness, the challenge, the shit. This is a work in progress. I’m not saying that when I’m in the midst of something extremely hard that I’m rejoicing. But there is a muscle that I haven’t exercised before that I can tell is growing bit by bit. It’s the muscle that sees how welcoming it all is a way of life that allows more room for grace. It’s not the saccharine positivity that looks for the bright side. It’s the spaciousness to see that with light comes shadow. And in welcoming the shadow – in no longer ignoring it or pushing it away – I’ve allowed it to become a teacher. 

Yutori

Speaking of spaciousness, I was recently introduced to a Japanese concept, yutori, which literally means “room” or “margin” and in practice means creating spaciousness in one’s life. I’ve been engaging in a fun experiment that takes the form of a question for me: “what are the simplest, smallest, and most mundane ways that I can practice yutori?”  

In the last month, this has meant:

• I stopped taking my phone with me when I go to the bathroom. Instead, this has become dedicated time for daydreaming, gratitude, and wonder.
• I drive in silence way more often. And when I do, I notice the texture of the light more. And my posture. And my breath.
• When I’m doing chores, I spend more time inhabiting my sensory experience. I notice the feel of the hot water. The sound of the vacuum. Which muscles I’m using when I’m shoveling horse poo.

In this age of digital distraction, I’m excited to continue playing with yutori. Not filling every space. Watching my reaction to boredom and stillness and those in-between moments. 

Fierce Love

My new favorite quote is by Hafiz: 

“Love sometimes wants to do us a great favor – hold us upside down and shake all the nonsense out.” 

I have been blessed this past year to have joined wonderful colleagues – a team of remarkable coaches and facilitators who are committed to their own self-discovery as the most powerful and effective path to serving others. 

From this group I have felt a fierce love that has changed me. These beautiful colleagues of mine, and the mentors that lead the way for us, keep holding me upside down and shaking all the nonsense out. It’s a way of loving that I didn’t know was possible. And one that I aspire to every day.  It has helped me see that heartbreak, unavoidably painful, is the surest sign of growth. It has helped me to see that saying or doing the scary thing that you know is true (or truly you) is an act of love. It has helped me to see that vulnerability creates the connection that we all crave. 

What have been the big themes and learnings for you in 2024? And what are you wishing for in the year ahead?